Think I'll Eat Some Worms

Today is cycle day 9, which means absolutely nothing because I ovulated on cycle day 2. So, I guess that means my next cycle should start on cycle day 16. Or perhaps I’ll be ovulating again this cycle. Hell, maybe I’ll ovulate a few more times. I’m just walking around minding my own business, while my unruly ovaries are popping out the few fucking eggs that I have left without even once considering my uterus’s schedule.

I know I bitch and moan a lot, but seriously this shit is becoming almost unbearable.

Not only do I dislike my body for not doing what it’s supposed to do, I’m beginning to realize that I don’t even like myself anymore.

I tried to pay attention to my thoughts yesterday, and was truly amazed at how often I beat myself up. Each time I walk past a mirror, I think to myself: I’m so fat. I’m so old. I’m not attractive anymore. When I ask my husband about his day at work, I think to myself: I’m such a loser. He’s working his ass off and all I do is cook, clean and plant flowers. I’m not good at anything anymore. I have no purpose. I’m pathetic.

It’s really awful, what I’m doing to myself. If someone else said these things to me, I’d burst into tears. I would never dream of saying such hurtful things to another person, not even an enemy. Yet, this is how I talk to myself all day long.

Infertility has conditioned me to believe that no matter how hard I try, I will still fail. No matter how much money I throw at a problem, I will still fail. No matter how hard I work, how positive I remain, how creatively I think, how perfectly I plan, I will still fail.

This morning, my mother said to me, “You are a very strong woman. There are many women who could never do what you've done.” I disagree. Infertility has not made me stronger, it has weakened me to the core. I’m soft and mushy, and my soul caves in a little further with each passing cycle. I continue trying and failing because it seems easier than giving up. Being infertile has become my identity, and as empty as I feel this very moment, I can only imagine that I’ll become completely invisible when there is no more trying left in me.

And that time is coming soon. I’m almost 38-years-old. I’m running out of eggs and money.

I’m so afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll just disappear.

Comments

[summerbreeze]

oh don't dissapear. We'll miss you! It's very hard when inferitlity consumes you. I can't even make plans anymore without figuring out what cd that will be so that I make sure I can make my doctors appointments. I want my life back, as do you I'm sure. *hugs*

Jennifer

[Debra]

Danae,

I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. I admire you so greatly, you are one of the strongest women I have run across in a long time. You have been so supportive of me and helped when things went bad. I wanted to be sure and tell you how much that meant to me. Thank you.

I can't imagine how hard it must be, you always manage to keep your sense of humor and keep going. If you ever need anything please ask. I will be thinking good things for you.

[Tertia]

Now I feel terrible about being so flippant with you this morning (night) on IM. So sorry you are feeling so down.

Infertility sucks, big time. Its f'ing unfair, its f'ing hard and your mom is right, you are strong, very strong, even though you might feel weak and mushy. You have to be strong just to stay sane through all this shit we go through.

F$ck the infertility demons, f$ck them all. Don't let them get you down. They love to try and beat you to nothing, but don't let them.

And buy that lottery ticket, ok. You never know, you might the LP ;-)

much love to you

xxxxxxxxxxx

[JulieB]

Isn't it terrible what infertility does to us? I, too, feel changed by this experience -- like I don't even recognize myself anymore.

I guess we have to forge on or give up. When I'm feeling really down, I think of the quote, "That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." It helps... sometimes. ;-)

*HUGS*

[Lisa]

Danae--I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You've always been able to cheer me up, and I wish I could find a way to do the same now.

I do want to echo what Tertia said: you may not feel strong, but you are. You really, really are.

[Lexi]

Every word you wrote I could relate to.

Infertility is such a breakdown of "self". It makes you question yourself, the meaning of life and religion. It's emotionally and financially draining and yet we continue to put ourselves through it because that little bit of hope is our one driving force.

Don't doubt your strength. You said you beat yourself up everyday and would never say the things you think about yourself to another person. Nor would you think another woman going what you're going through as weak. We are silent (sometimes) leaders and role models. You are not alone!

[Katie]

I know exactly what you are talking about! It feels like I am nothing but an infertile. I have forgotten everything else that is good about me. But somehow, we must not let the infertility demons take over our lives, our souls. We used to be happy, productive people once. We shouldn't give up on our dreams to become mommies, but we also can't let them make us lose ourselves entirely. Take care.

[Karen]

You just broke my already broken heart into another chunk.

I have a mantra I say to myself when I'm really down. It's horrible, and I'd never ever say it out loud, or tell anyone IRL that I say it. It goes something like:

You're a fat, infertile, pathetic loser.

I repeat it like twenty times. I cry the entire time. It's so awful. but I know exactly what you are talking about in this post.

I lurve you, Danae, a whole hell of a lot. And lots of other women lurve you too. We just have to remember that others love us, and even when we can't love ourselves, we need to hang on to that.

I'm so sorry you are so down.

[getupgrrl]

Danae, strength isn't facing challenges with a martini in your hand and a smile on your face. It's facing challenges, period. To me, you are strength personified.

And quit talking about yourself that way to yourself, or I'll have to kick one of your self's butts. "Don't you talk about my friend that way! To yourself!"

[kareneb]

One of the news items that caught my attention when I was first riding the IVF rollercoaster was the result of a study of depression among different kinds of patients. Cancer patients and fertility patients ranked the highest in rates of depression, and cancer patients and fertility patients had the same rate of depression. CANCER! INFERTILITY! The same. Around this time I actually had a friend do both. Seven years later she is living and mom to two, one adopted and one "accident." Go figure.

I'm not sure what my friend would say about comparing her levels of despair in each of her medical situations, but I know that the depression I suffered while going through multiple IVFs gave me scars that I will carry forever.

My point to you Danae is that what you are going through is very painful, and it's ok to "own" your pain. Get some talk therapy and maybe even antidepressants to help, if that's appropriate. Depression is real, it is harmful, and there is something you can do about it.

I came upon your blog today for the first time, and if I've posted inappropriately, I'm sorry. But your sadness pulled at my heart, and I have tried to offer you a bit of a lifeline. {{{{HUGS}}}} to you.

[lori]

why am I a loser? I stood up for my brother in law, thought he was not screwing around on my sister, automatically, my husband thinks I am a loser. That is all.