Just Another Day

I don't know exactly what made me to do it. Most likely it was merely the fact that I had one left.

One.

What the hell, why not pee on it? That's what it's there for, right? Plus, I had been wiping slight traces of brown sludge for the past four days, and I never spot brown blood. In fact, I never spot much at all.

Waiting.

Patiently waiting for the full flow so that I could get started on this next fucking FET. The second attempt at my second FET. Or something like that. How do you count these things? Is an FET counted as an IVF? And do cancelled IVF and FET cycles even count? I just don't know. It's all a big fucking blur of acronyms.

So I peed on it. Two lines appeared immediately. The line that counts was faint, but there. Right away. I ignored it and got into the shower. It was still there after I toweled myself dry. It was there under every light in the house.

It was there.

I was petrified.

I smoked a cigarette. Because I didn't believe it. How could it be true? It can't be true. I was shaking. Shivering. Hyperventilating.

The sky suddenly became eerily cloudy and then pelted rain in buckets. Thunder boomed so loud the windows shook. Lightning lit up the back yard. I love thunderstorms, so I went into the garage and opened the door to watch.

I smiled. I smiled and I cried. I laughed. Weird squeally noises escaped my voice box and vanished into the air, like when a tree falls in the forest but nobody is there to hear it. Except me. I was there. Alone.

Then, I had a heart attack and died. When I came back to life, I calculated my due date by counting on my trembling fingers. Sometime in April. Nice time of the year for a baby. Not too hot, not too cold.

I stopped myself. I closed the garage door and went back into my cave.

This can't be true. I can't be pregnant. I can't get pregnant! I'm not pregnant. It's a fluke. I'm hallucinating. Or the test is faulty. Or it's another chemical pregnancy. We made another embryo, but it's dying. Dying. Not living or growing. Our embryos never do that. They die. That is all.

I waited three hours for my husband to come home from work. My heart was beating out of my chest. I tried to take deep breaths to calm myself. I was terrified. Petrified. I thought about Tertia and Julie and Julia. And their terror became crystal clear to me. I tried to imagine how I would possibly handle this horrible fear for eight and a half more months. I had no clue.

I heard the garage door opening and my heart started to beat even faster. I didn't think it was possible. My husband walked in, kissed me and went directly out to the pool to turn off the filter. I grabbed for the pregnancy test that I had hidden behind the tissue box, and held it tight in my sweaty palm until he returned.

"Pool's going to need to be drained a bit after all this rain," he said. "Yeah," I answered trying to keep my voice steady. Then I shoved the pregnancy test into his line of sight. "It's faint, but it's there," I said as calmly as I could. He held it under the light. "It's probably just another chemical," I said.

Silence.

He looked at me. I looked at him. Neither of us knew what to say, but we both knew what the other was thinking. "I... I would be so happy if... I wish..."

A tear rolled down my cheek and onto the floor before I could wipe it away.

"God knows that nothing in the world would make me happier than for us to have a baby together," He said. "But...But, we've been here before. I just don't know how to... I try not to get excited or sad any more until I know for sure. It's just too hard. It's too risky." "Yeah. I know. Me too," I said.

We decided not to run out for more tests until morning.

I peed on three of them today. All negative. Of course.

Comments

[Carrie]

*hopes for you*

[Tertia]

fuck!!!!!! so what does this mean??? Go do a beta. For your own peace of mind. OMG. Your poor heart and soul, you must be absolutely finished.

I am a wreck now for you.

fuck fuck fuck.

[Karen]

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

(Tertia beat me to it)

FUCK!!! Oh My God, Danae. My heart is tearing apart here for you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry. THere are no words for how sorry I am. And how much I hope those three tests are wrong.

[Julie]

Oh, Danae.

[summerbreeze]

Fuck. This time I can tell you I know how you feel because I was there a week ago. Not a funny game. Tertia's right, get a beta done so you'll know for sure.

[getupgrrl]

My heart is breaking for you, my sweet friend.

Let me know if there's anything I can do.

[lobster girl]

Oh shit Danae. That's not fair. Not fair. I'm so sorry.

[Anna]

I'm so sorry.

[sherry]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Get some peace of mind with a beta. And keep us posted...

Praying for you!

[Milenka]

Danae, I know hugs can be taboo for we cranky Infertiles, but I just wanna scoop you up and never let go! What bad fucking luck! No what? Do you go for a beta, just in case? You have my thoughts!

[Andreah]

Through word of mouth I made my way here (My first time I don't know why though??) let me just tell you that I am so very sorry.

[barren mare]

That is just so..unbearably sad. I can't tell you how much I want those other three tests to be wrong for you- and the first one to be the right one.

[Debra]

FUCK!!

I am so sorry.... my heart is breaking. Get a beta to be sure and let us know.

This is just so unfair

[Cathy]

Really so very fucked up. I'm so sorry.

[Jo]

A thousand times fuck. I am thinking of you.

[Cecily]

Oh, FUCK. Why is god such an asshole?

[Julia]

Sometimes I can't wrap my brain around how life never fails to astound me and undermine what small faith I have in some sort of fair system.

I am with you in thought.

[Christina]

Uhg. So sorry.

[Katie]

I'm SO sorry...... and I'm so pissed off for you. Wish I could come give you a hug.

[Nina]

I am so very sorry.

[patricia]

One more time, everything everybody else said. Plus another Fuck.

[Mandy]

I am so very sorry.

[spongecat]

Shit,
As I was reading I was so happy, my heart starting pounding with excitement! You and greg are in my thoughts
Luv U
Cath

[Stephanie]

Tears are running down my face. I wish no one ever had to face that kind of devistation. I know from experience how horrible it feels.

[mom]

That just....@#$%^&*!@#$%!@#$%&^*&^%$#@!@###@!!!@#$%%%$##$%%&&%$$#$@#@@#$$%%%%%^%$##@@@!!!!!!!!!
and every other expletive deletive you can think of!

[Tertia]

How are you doing? Thinking about you all the time.

[Lisa]

Danae--I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you.

[Lori]

I'm sorry. G*d, that's just so lousy. My heart fell when I got to the end of this blog entry.

[JulieB]

Danae:
What a terrible let down.
I'm so sorry...

[Cyn]

FUCKING HELL! I'm so sorry honey.

Well shit. Now I'm crying.