Mother's Day Blues

This morning, after realizing that it was just four days away, I asked my sister what we were going to do for Mother's Day.

"I don't know," she said. "I hope R. will take care of the baby so I can sleep in. That's what I'd like to do."

Her words tumbled around in my head for a few moments before they actually made any sense to me. All at once I felt a jolt of sadness, and that awful feeling has stayed with me all day. It's not that my sister said anything offensive or hurtful, it's just that her reply caught me by surprise. My mind was focused on my mother and how my siblings and I would celebrate her day this Sunday. It hadn't even entered my mind, as I thought about Mother's Day, that my sister is now one of The Mothers. Her beautiful daughter was born six months ago.

The saddest part for me - the part that I had never thought about until today - is that I am now officially the only woman in my very large, extended family who is not a mother. The only one.

Yeah, I think I'll be sleeping in on Mother's Day, too.

Comments

[ovagirl]

Yes. It sucks doesn't it. I'm surrounded by friends celebrating Mother's day for the first time. On Monday I actually spent half an hour in front of a card stand wondering if I should send Happy first Mothers day cards to all of them.
Then I thought fuck it.
What do they need a card for?
They got a baby.

[Kate]

I am a mom, but have been struggling with secondary infertility for almost 3 years...and the hag is due on Sunday. Seems fitting to fail again on Mother's day...takes a lot of the sweetness away.

[Karen]

I know. I narrowly avoided a lunch where I'd be the only non-mother. I'm the only non-mother wherever I go, it seems. I know, I know, how those things catch you off guard when you are least prepared for them. Like my mucus plug story--it's loss, over and over and over. I'm so sorry, D. I lurve you.

[T]

Ah, Danae - I'm so sorry. It's bad enough, but then to be caught off guard. So sorry.

[Suz]

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Treat yourself well on Sunday.

[Sandy]

Those caught off guard moments suck your breath right away, don't they? Sleep Sunday away ... it will pass ... thankfully.

[Amanda]

I'm sorry Danae. Sleeping in is a good idea. I'm thinking I might just sleep the whole day away.

[Boulder]

Wishing you & me a nice sleep-in on May 8. It really sucks.

[Lisa T.]

You're a mama,
Your baby is just not with you yet.
At least that's what I tell myself...

[Sara]

Ben and Jerry's, Danae. Breakfast of champions and food of infertiles around the globe. Better than prozac. I have stocked up for M-Day.

[Mollie]

Oh, crap. I wish they'd fucking abolish Mother's Day and just enact laws that support women in general.

In the U.S., I mean. Canada's doing all right in that respect, no complaints yet.

But seriously. I'm a mother, and Mother's Day brings me no joy. When I was desperate and childless, it brought me boatloads of pain. When I was a child, nothing I offered was ever quite enough for my strange and grabby mother. All in all, the whole thing seems pretty dubious to me. Does anyone really get anything out of the exercise?

Anyone?

I'm all for mothers being celebrated, blah blah blah. It's just that a day set aside for perfuctory brunches, corsages, cards, and phone calls just doesn't seem to benefit anyone except the restaurants, florists, card-hawkers and phone companies.

Ah, I'm just a romantic at heart.

But really this is just a way of saying, Shit, Danae, I wish this didn't hurt.

[Mollie]

"Perfuctory" = Freudian slip I'll stick with

[wessel]

I'm all for abolishing Mother's Day, too. (and I have secondary infertility, so I am a mother but I STILL hate the holiday). I'm against artifical, externally imposed holidays being foisted upon people in order to force them to show love for their family. I hate Valentine's Day as well. Do we really need a calendar prompt?

Danae, as to your being the only woman in your family who is not yet a mother--here is the silver lining as I see it: your baby's birth will be more special than all those that came before. When you DO become a mother, your family had better damned well make a festival out of it. They better damned well hire a marching band or a half dozen Scots bagpipe players and march through the streets. You better damned well get a boatload of gifts and well wishes. And this festive spirit better damned well last until, say, your kid graduates from graduate school.

[Lioness]

Hugs, sweetie. That's all I can do. That and kick the universe in the groin for a bit. Can you grab some Fawlty Towers or your equivalent and hide for the day? Ice-cream sounds good too.

[Melany]

I'm so sorry. HUGS to you!!!!

[deborah]

Would it help if I told you I've always thought of you as one bad-ass mutha?

No?

OK then. All I've got is hugs.

[j]

I'm sorry. I had so many mother's days when I was the only non-mother. By the time I had my first child, I had been the only one in my family without a child for about 15 years. I am the youngest, and my siblings (and cousins) all got married and had babies young. I got married quite a bit older than they did. In the beginning, when I was young, I didn't care that they all had kids. I was happy to be the aunt. Then when I was older, and still single, it sucked. Then when I was married, and trying for a baby and failing, it was unbearable.

Now that I am a mother, I realize the holiday really isn't such a big deal. All that longing to be part of a holiday that is really just a Hallmark holiday anyway. What a waste. Sleep in, focus on something else. Hopefully next year it will be different.

[Blue]

I am dreading Sunday since we are having a big family luncheon and I will be the only non-mother there. How can this possibly go wrong?

[susan]

Yep. I know just how you feel. Only my mom died when I was 15 and the lovely woman who raised my sister and I (her mother) died last August 11. So, while I was aware that Mother's Day is coming up, I (consciously deleted it) erm, didn't have any real idea that is was this weekend. Until a friend called and asked if she could use my kitchen to bake a cake for her mom because her house is being re-done.

Yeah. Mother's Day. Danae and anyone else playing along, I live in Connecticut. It's super easy to get to NJ and NY in under an hour and VT and RI in a little over an hour. If any of you want to get together and commiserate, just let me know. OR - BRAINSTORM!!! I'd be happy to host a non-mother's day party at my house (on the beach ladies!) this Sunday. Margaritas, gin and tonics, faboo wine, great food and better conversation! Let me know if any of you are interested!!!

I AM DEAD SERIOUS. Let me know.

[Cecily]

Me too, honey. Me too.

[Julie S.]

Mother's day sucks all around. For my mother, it sucks because she lost her daughter. For my friend whose mother just died, she doesn't have a mother for the first time to celebrate on mother's day.

They should just get rid of it.

[Moxie]

What Mollie said. If you are a mother, you don't care one bit about Mothers' Day. If you aren't a mother, it hurts like hell. If you work in the restaurant industry you get slammed with demanding customers who don't tip well. Bad day all around for no reason.

[Emily]

Yeah, I understand. My family is crazy and THEY all have kids, just not me, and I'm by far the most normal. Now ain't THAT scary.

Big hugs to you.

XO

[kath]

Mothers day is truly the most painful day of the year for me...

Make sure you dont watch the evening news. I wont say out loud, but you can guess whats on.

[Ollie]

Danae, I say Fuck Mother's Day. Let's go have a drink.

[Jen/VintageUterus]

Sleep away.

Maybe we should all go check into some spa or something. One that offers sedatives.

You're not alone. Big hugs to you.

[ManhattanAnne]

Up at midnight on Mother's day. Tooblue to sleep. Realized what I really needed was a dose of bitter babble. Thanks.

[Debbie]

I'm really glad that Mother's Day is over. I have been in pain every Mother's Day since I was 19 years old, that makes 30 years Ouch! Still no children. I keep hoping that it will happen someday and then I wake up! I also come from a very large family and I am the only one without a child. So I understand. I have a good cry and try to stay busy,If I could sleep I would! Have you ever been on the CNBC site? (Childless not by choice)it may help to know that you really aren't alone. Hang in there!

[Becki]

I'm so sorry. Mother's Day is one of those exclusionary holidays that is painful to those it excludes, and doesn't live up to its billing for those it includes. I hope you're better now that it's over. I'd be all in favor of a holiday that just celebrates women, too.

[Kristin]

I hope you made it through Mother's Day without too much heartache (although I'm sure it was hard). Been thinking of you and hoping for the best.