Must Have Been The Cortisol

My husband and I went to the ER yesterday and I was given an ultrasound, more blood tests, a pelvic exam, and a rhogam shot.

The ultrasound revealed a very small intrauterine sac. Nothing out of the ordinary was seen in my ovaries or tubes.

The pelvic exam revealed that my uterus was not enlarged. The spotting has stopped and my cervix was clear of any sign of blood.

All of this made us extremely hopeful, until we were given the blood results. Unfortunately, it does not look at all promising. My hCG level did not rise appropriately, and it appears that this is either a non-viable intrauterine pregnancy, a blighted ovum or an ectopic which has not yet been detected.

For those of you who obsess over details as much as I do, here are the hCG levels:

Tuesday, 10:30: 1172
Thursday, 10:30 am: 2208
Friday, 12:30 pm: 2768

I had two betas drawn yesterday, one at the lab I have been using all along (result above), and one an hour later at the ER. The result from the blood drawn at the ER was even lower: 2493.

They want me back at the hospital tomorrow for a follow-up ultrasound and quant hCG, and we'll continue doing this every two days until we know what needs to be done to resolve this nightmare. The doctor mentioned a possible d&c or even a laparoscopy, depending on what is found. If it does turn out to be an ectopic, I prefer to avoid methotrexate if at all possible.

I am so overwhelmed by the outpouring of kindness, well-wishes, cheers and prayers that you've sent my way over these last few weeks that I simply cannot thank you enough. I wish I could have you all over for milk and cookies. Or better yet, wine and cheese. Vodka, straight up? What's the official drink of the 2005 miscarriages anyway?

But seriously, thank you. I wish you all much happy sappiness.

Comments

[Vix]

There's nothing to say but that I'm thinking of you, and hoping for miracles.

[Jenn]

I'll be thinking of you and hoping like crazy that everything turns out happy, sappy, and fine.

[Diaphanta]

I'm praying for you. There is still hope.

Diaphanta

[Ellen]

I'm praying for you--

Ellen

[wavybrains]

Delurking to say that I've been obsessively refreshing hoping for good news for you--I'm so sorry that your pain and uncertainity continues, I'll continue to wish for peace for you--so sorry that you have to go through this.

[Stephanie]

I'm so sorry. I rang in my chemical pregnancy in January with mojitos, so maybe that'll do. Take care.

[DMouse]

I'm so sorry you haven't had better news.

Take care.

[deborah]

I am so very, very sorry you are going through this hell, Danae. Clearly, I have absolutely no clout whatsoever with the Universe.

My vote is for a very dirty martini (or two, or three). I'm already lifting a virtual glass in your honor.

Peace, my friend.

[Diana]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I wish there was a way I could help you. Please take care of yourself.

[Beth]

Danae and Mr. Danae, my thoughts and prayers continue to be with you during this period of uncertainty.

Make mine Beefeater and Squirt and keep 'em coming!

Wishing for parental bliss to find you sooner rather then then later. I wish there was something I could do, but I'm afraid I'm technically too old to help at the tender age of 41 and a half. Sigh, life is so unfair.

[ICharlotte]

My drink(s) of choice during my 2005 miscarriage was bottles of wine. I am desperately hoping for a fluke in the numbers here and a doubling to still occur. I'm glad that you'll be able to test every 2 days but so deeply sorry that you have to instead of going home. De-lurking to say that I've been cheering for you these past few weeks and am thinking of you this weekend.

[Amy E.]

I am so, so sorry. It is just so fucking unfair. I so wanted a happy sappy ending for you. But I know you will get throu this, like you have gotten through everything else. You are a strong, brave, amazing woman. And I hope above all else that whatever the next step is for you that it works out exactly as you hope and plan.

[beachgal]

another lurker, cheering for you and hoping for the best. you've been so much, it's not fair you have to go through all of this crap. I'll have a few shots for you tonite. And say a few more prayers.

[ericalil]

Oh, no. I am so sorry, so terribly sorry. Somehow, I hope this turns out to be a terrible mistake. If it doesn't, there are hundreds of people here mourning with you.

Single malt scotch's my poison.

Take care, Danae,

erica

[Molly]

Oh, Jesus. I am thinking of you and hoping for you so hard.

[InSpring]

I'm sorry that the happy sappy feeling has been replaced with so much angst.

I'm holding my hopes out for this turning out to be a late bloomer.

[Emily]

I'm so sorry. I'm thinking of you and sending prayers to you my friend.

Much love,
Em

[chris]

I'm so sorry.

[Amanda]

Oh, Danae. I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry. I wish there was more I could do besides sit here and curse the universe.

[B. Mare]

I wish there was something to say beyond I am so sorry things are not looking good. I'll be thinking of you, dear Danae, as I swill another glass of wine.

[TracyB]

Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you with happy sappy thoughts...

[Mollie]

Ah, Danae. My heart is heavy.

Thinking of you.

xo

[Megan]

I am so sorry for what you're going through. Been waiting and watching with baited breath, and thinking of you, and hoping, and will continue to do so. Please keep hanging in there - we are all there with you.

[Sue]

So sorry. I wish there were words to make this better for you.

I'm thinking rum based drinks, seeing as it's summer.

[Menita]

Gin.
With a heavy heart.

[Kathleen]

I am still hoping that this is it for you, and that there is some other explanation.

But I wish you peace no matter what.

[Suz]

I'm so, so, sorry, Danae. My heart breaks for you, even though I'm holding out hope that it all turns out to be a mistake. Personally, I prefer a stiff shot of Vodka and will have a few for you tonight....

[Louise]

Scotch. The older, the better.

You are in my thoughts. I am sorry for all this.

[Sarah/badlands]

I am so sorry; for this and for everything you've been through.

My vote is for a thermos full of whatever's in the liquor cabinet. Take care.

[MollieBee]

Can I join? All I got is a joint, but I know some of y'all like to get down.

heh.

I can't even figure out what I want to say. Just know that I'm here and I am wishing for everything to be ok.

[Jill]

My heart hurts for you. Many prayers being lifted up for you and your husband. I hope you get an answer quickly.

[betty]

I'm just so achingly sorry. I've always used red wine (a lot of it). Can I send you a bottle? A case?
-Betty

[Traci]

Whatever happens, I wish you peace.

[cheryl b.]

I am so very sorry.

[Lisa V]

Danae, I am so sorry. I know how much you wanted this, and nothing any of us can say or do can make it better. This sucks, and its unfair, and I know how much it hurts. You have my sympathy.

[Jamie]

De-lurking to say I'm praying for you.

[MM]

Vodka and lots of it. So sorry for what you're going through.

[expat]

Oh, Danae, what an absolute kick in the teeth.

I'm thinking anything with more alcohol than anything else in it, and preferably where the anything else is mostly chocolate.

[Mia]

Shit, Danae, I am so sorry this is happening. My personal recommendation for temporary relief is Valium and a good nights sleep.

[Kinneret]

Danae,

I am hoping against hope that this is merely a blip on the horizon.

My drink of choice was single malt scotch and plenty of it, but strawberry margs sound good too.

Thinking of you and hoping only for good news.

[Rose]

fuck fuck fuck.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

oh, shit. still hoping & praying for you guys. this is so unfair.

[Cat, Galloping]

No! No! No! I still refuse to believe it! If my will and good wishes have any power at all, the only sadness this week will bring is the fact that you had to spend a perfectly good weekend worrying. Hang in there.

[Kay]

Danae - I'm so sorry the uncertainty and sadness continues.

I vote for frosty beverages - they are cool for summer and you can drink a thousand of them before you realize they've "hit" you.

God bless. I'm still hoping and praying for a miracle.

[Cat, Galloping]

Also? Deborah over at the trying game had a drop in doubling times after initially fast ones that turned out to be a disappearing twin. I'm just saying. There are possible explanations and signs of a sac are good. And I'm so ridiculously hopeful for you. I hope you don't find it annoying.

[Melissa4444]

Still hoping, of course. But so so sad for you. Sad that even if all is well, you had to go through this at all.

As for drinks, I agree with them. All of them. I mean, all of it! Scotch, Vodka, Gin, Cases of red wine, Strawberry Margs, Rum. Hey, lets add Tequila shots while we're at it. And a box load of Chocolate.

I think, wherever we are tonight, we should all have a drink for Danae at 8pm, and make a wish for Danae's baby to be ok.

Danae, I wish so much I could make you feel better. Just know, I'm thinking about you all the time.

[Trish]

I am so incredibly, horribly sorry :( What a crock of shit. I wish the people who deserved easy pregnancies were granted them- but that seems to never happen...

I am soo soo sorry :(

[Jo]

Gaaah.

I am so sorry, for all of it.

[Karen]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Still hoping very hard for you.

[Jo]

Oh and also: it sounds like the medical management is right on, with the watchful waiting. I'm glad you're being included in decisions about your care.

Although I can't imagine why anyone would want to avoid methotrexate! Why, I've never had so much fun as I did the time I simultaneously shat fire into the toilet and vomited smoothie into the bathtub.

I love you, Danae.

[j]

I'm soooooo sorry that things are not looking promising. I was so hoping for you, and I am still holding out a little hope. The number still went up, and, technically, is still within the normal range (see www.ivfer.com beta calculator, which says that normal once over 1200 is 72-96 hours doubling time, yours was 73+). I'm still glad that you got to have a happy sappy day or two. Life is so fucking unfair sometimes, isn't it?

[S]

I am so sorry, and I am holding you in my heart today and will be for many days to come.

[S]

I am so sorry, and I am holding you in my heart today and will be for many days to come.

[rae]

Danae

I'm so sorry

My drink of choice for my 2005 miscarriages was rum. straight. lots of it.

I'm so sorry

[VHMPrincess]

I'm hoping the difference in HCG numbers is caused by the fact that it was different labs... still hoping for the best for you...in the mean time, feet up and get a little rest (I know, that's not going to be easy)...

[rivka]

Delurking to say so, so sorry.
Still praying this will have a happy outcome.
My suggestion: brandy, poured over chocolate cake.

[susan]

so, I've been trying to post a comment throughout this ordeal but it always comes off as cheesy or assvice so I delete it instead.

I want to say that I still believe in this pregnancy even though I know that the doctors know more than I do. I want to say it'll all be ok but I've been there myself and so far it has not been ok for me so that'd be a really dumb thing to say. I want to say be strong or don't give up hope just yet because I really enjoyed reading your posts where you were unabashedly happy about this pregnancy - and you deserved to be! But that sounds like assvice of the first order ...

I guess the best I can do is say that I understand and I'm following your journey, hoping it all turns out exactly the way you want it to.

And if you ever come back to NYC to try again, please call me now that you have my cell number and I'll do all I can to make your time here more enjoyable in whatever capacity you'd like. If you want good food or a few drinks, a nice atmosphere, whatever, just let me know.

[Anna H.]

I'm so, so sorry Danae.

xxoo

[Lioness]

I'm so sorry, Danae. Am worded out. Here's to any possible sappiness.

[Kate]

Gonna change my name to "Kate the Kicker" and kick all these damned doctors. I am so sorry things look bleak right now, I am gonna cross a bunch of parts just in case and hang on to some hope for ya.

Hugs,
Kate

[ann]

Delurking to say that as I have followed your story I have been praying for you! Hold out for hopes as long as possible and then if not positive... drown them with any of the vices posted above.... I'm tipping a Bud-Light with Melissa444 as it's just past 8:00....... but the sounds of Mojoita or tequilla might help you more........

[Kate]

Fuck. Just fuck.

[Jess in Nova Scotia]

Sangria. Lotsandlots. Better yet, Xanax.

I'm still praying.

[Meg]

I am still going to hold on to happy sappy good thoughts until i have to stop. I really want this to happen for you.

If the universe continues in its stupidity, i favor the fruit loop - a little bit of everything in the liquor cabinet poured into a coffee mug. The puking afterewards is at least a distraction.

[Manuela]

Fuck fuck fucking fuckery fuck.

I'm sending you every conceivable positive thought I can muster....

[Manuela]

Fuck fuck fucking fuckery fuck.

I'm sending you every conceivable positive thought I can muster....

[afrindiemum]

oh danae. my stomach is in my throat. i'm going to drink a mojito for you tonight and continue to think big billowy sticky sac for you. i'll keep hoping, as should you.

[Tara Scot]

So sorry. Thinking positive, yet sympathetic thoughts...

[Laura]

I can't believe this. I've told so many people about how exciting it was to share your 2ww with you and your cats and how much fun it was to see that pink line emerge. I'm so disappointed for you and want you to know that I'm one of the people that really knows how shitty it feels ... completely, totally shitty. I wish there were words that could help.

[Natalie]

Jack and Coke, a smoke and a cry. Still praying for your lucky break, dammit.

[JuliaKB]

I am so sorry things are not looking good.
My thoughts are with you. And the Universe is in for a serious asskicking...

[Nina]

I'm so sorry things are looking this way but don't give up hope just yet. Good thoughts your way.

[Christine]

Crap. I'm sorry things can't ever go easily for you. So unbelievable sorry.

[Mindy]

delurking again to say that i have been there. my ectopic pregnancy resulted in two laproscopic surgeries and infertility. your blog has been a great source of support for me. my eyes swell with tears of sadness for you. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[halloweenlover]

So sorry. I'm still hoping and will still be checking often.

Lots of luck and good thoughts for tomorrow.

[Becki]

I am so sorry things are not looking good. I hope that your fears turn out to be unfounded, and everything turns out okay. I so want you to have your own happy sappiness.

[Sol]

Delurking to say: I am so very sorry you have to go through this. I continue to hope and pray for you. Hang in there - much love your way.

[SheilaC]

I'm so very sorry. I will continue to pray for you, and to hope for everything to be okay. I'm glad they are monitoring you very closely. Thanks for posting so regularly, it must be very hard.
Best wishes,

[karyn]

Oh God, Danae. I was really hoping this would work for you. In fact, I am still hoping. Best wishes for a good outcome.

[Pixie]

Shit. Just shit. Kind thoughts. And lots of vodka. Prayers, as always.

[Anna]

Does no one drink good old beers any more? I'm drinking beers and chomping cheetos for you, Danae, and hoping for an unexpectedly terrific result that'll have the doctors scratching their heads. It could still be okay. It could still be just fine.

[persephone]

I really can't believe this. Do I have to, yet?

No words, just all the love and support I have to send.

[Rhonda]

So very sorry. I hope you get better news soon.

I wish you peace and strength for whatever happens, and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Melissa4444]

Hey Ann, I hear ya! Not 8 here yet, but what the hell! Thinkin' I'll be well and truly smashed by the time it's 8 here in Australia!

[Melany]

I'm still holding out hope that everything will be fine. HUGS to you!

[Kell]

That really sucks. Sucks and blows at the same time. I have everything crossed and am praying to several gods that theres still a perfect outcome. hang in there floss.

[Cindy]

I just want to say that I cannot believe this is f---ing happening

[Jess in Nova Scotia]

I hope this morning is better than yesterday.

[Prim]

I am so sorry...but I am still hopeful. Wishing you peace and strength.

[Andrea]

I'm praying for you both. This must be terribly difficult. Please know we're all thinking about you.

[dawna]

If you wanna go into denial of anything negative I'll join you. I've never heard of a DOCTOR being this negative though. When I lost a pregnancy at 4 months, no matter how much I was bleeding, or how wrong everything seemed to be going, they kept telling me that there were no guarantees but the baby was still there, everything is fine.

It just seems way soon for your dr to be this down about it. I'm sincerely sorry for anything and everything that is happening right now. But keeps your hopes as high as you can, and don't give in, don't let them do a d&c until they can guarantee there is something wrong. It doesn't yet sound wrong to me.

[lily]

I've had the negative docs and the ultrapositive docs. I think I actually like the negative ones better. But that's probably only because of my really messed up outlook...
enough. Have a drinkypoo and lets see how it goes over the next few days. I'm definitely shaking my fist at the sky right now. Lots and lots of people care for you.

[Anne]

I'm sorry. So fucking sorry.
I wish there were something I could do for you. And I wish could tell you what the 2005 miscarriage drink of choice is, but I'm afraid I haven't had a miscarriage drink since 2004. I've moved onto adoption cocktails. To my taste, they're much less bitter. And the best part is that I can have one whenever I want.

Although, I must confess that I woke up this morning thinking about the fact that I'll never have a biological child. A fact that I still can't believe. Even so, I'm happy to be drinking my adoption coctails. As bourbon is to merlot, so ART is to adoption. Both get you high, but they're very different ways to do it.

[wessel]

Well, damnit to hell. I'm so sorry.

Infertility cocktail of 2005--well, I don't think anyone took a vote on it. My nominee is a gin and tonic with a twist of lime, of course. You can swig quite a few of those down painlessly in rapid succession, and the hangover is mild.

[Heidi]

Oh shit. I don't even know what to say. You're right, this is a nightmare. But I'm still hoping and praying...

[becky]

Danae, I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't have to go through all of this. My heart is with you right now.

[Tiffanni]

Shit. I am sorry you are going through this..so sorry. What a nightmare.
((HUGS))

[alex]

Oh I am so sorry. Sending you nice thoughts...damn.

[Passing_through]

Yeah, I'm obsessive. You mentioned your uterus was not enlarged. Is that a sign one way or the other?

I'm still in the "hoping it all works out" camp.

[mopsy]

I am *so* sorry, Danae.

I've lost two babies (so far, #3 isn't looking so healthy) in 2005 and I think the official drink should be something nasty like Coors Light.

Still, I am hopeful for you and I am hopeful for me...