Um, Did I Say Happy Sappy?

Sunday: Oh my god, I'm pregnant!

Monday: Oh shit! This pregnancy is doomed!

Tuesday: Oh my god, I'm pregnant!

Wednesday: Oh shit! This pregnancy is doomed!

The way this pattern is going, I can tell you that I'm most definitely NOT looking forward to Friday. But tomorrow should be rockin'.

They say I'm 5 weeks pregnant today, and as instructed by my RE, I went for my first ultrasound this morning. Apparently we were looking for a sac. Half an hour and half a bottle of ultrasound goo later, the u/s tech had found nothing. She wasn't willing to give me an opinion (which makes perfect sense yet still drives me effing bat shit) and after what felt like SEVENTEEN DAYS of being poked and prodded and watching her stare blankly at the ultrasound monitor, I imagined the worst and, well, I panicked. There I was, lying on a cold table in a darkened room, naked from the waist down while a strange and seemingly mute woman stirred a wand around in my vagina looking for some sign of life in my dusty old uterus and I JUST PANICKED. I'm pretty sure I was well on my way to hyperventilation when my legs began trembling out of the stirrups. The more I tried to hold them steady, the worse the shaking became. And then I died. When she was finally unable to ignore my nervous breakdown any longer, the ultrasound tech stopped probing and spoke:

"Aw, it's okay. It's probably just too early to see anything."

She told me that I could get dressed and go home, and she assured me that my doctor would call to discuss the results with me in as soon as an hour.

And that was that.

An hour later when we still hadn't heard anything, my husband paged our RE. He never called back. I finally spoke to my OBs office around 5:00 pm and was told that although pregnancy could not be confirmed by today's ultrasound, everything still looks "normal" based on my blood results, and it was probably just too early to see anything. I was instructed to have a repeat beta and ultrasound next week.

Oh, by the way - yes, I'm still spotting.

***WARNING: LOTS OF WHINING AND COMPLAINING AHEAD***

Okay. So. Somehow I'm convinced that I AM still pregnant and that everything APPEARS to be fine, but GOOD GOD! I'm still so wound up from everything that's been happening this week that I just CANNOT relax. I KNOW there's nothing I can do to control the outcome. I KNOW that it is what it is. BUT LOOK AT ME! I'M TYPING IN ALL CAPS, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! And I know I'm complaining a lot, but may I just complain about one more thing? WOULD IT HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH TROUBLE FOR MY CLINIC TO HAVE WARNED ME THAT WE MAY NOT SEE A SAC THIS EARLY?? HUH?!?! I didn't think so. Okay then.

Thanks for listening. I feel much better now.

Comments

[Lioness]

OH THANK GOD!!!!!!!!! Now I can read the post!

[Lisa V]

I am so sorry about the damn roller coaster. Hope next week's ultrasound looks good and you stop the stupid spotting.

[Laura]

I am so glad you finally updated.. I have been worried about you all day. I have to say, when you said you were going for an ultrasound this early, I was really surprised. I went through IVF four years ago and I have been hanging around the IVF community ever since.. I am pretty sure yours was one of the earliest ultrasounds I'd heard of... To give you an idea.. my first u/s was scheduled 3 weeks after my + beta! I know it's hard, but try not to worry. It really was super early.. and your beta is rising nicely!

Continued prayers for you!!

[amberlyn]

i hope this will make you feel a tad bit better, and i'm sorry if it's just plain ol' annoying: my best friend went for her first ultrasound at 5 weeks and 2 days or so. and they did not see a thing. she called me crying and panicking even though her blood levels looked normal. and then they saw the little sac a week later, and the heartbeat 2 weeks after that. and THEN! she gave birth to the baby jesus. okay, she didn't give birth to the baby jesus. she's only 9 weeks pregnant. but we've all got our fingers crossed.

[Jill]

I just don't get it that they don't understand how nervous and panicked we are when looking for news. Good gracious, I've been on pins and needles all day for you! How could they not warn you? I am outraged on your behalf.

But I also am still feeling confident that everything is fine. If your bleeding hasn't increased, you're not cramping, and your numbers are good, I really think you're fine.

[Lioness]

Oh hell, sweetie, sorry, I meant thank God you're finally posting. It's a good thing, a very good thing, that you still think you're pregnant and that all bloodwork is fine. It's unthinkable that they fail to want women it may be too early for them to actually be able to see anything, WTF?? If you hadn't had the warnings in your comments, you'd have likely been crushed. Bloody hell, you WERE crushed, it's unconscionable! You pay for it, they're not doing you any favours by guiding you through everything, this is their job, this is what they were trained for. Even though my capslock use usually just means emphasis, THIS TIME IT'S BECAUSE I'M FUCKING PISSED OFF YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS IN TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE! How dare they, I'm fuming! I hope the stopping - which is ENTIRELY normal, as I've learnt reading your blogs - spots, so you can at least experience some relief, no matter how small. I wish I could do something other than think of you - but I do it terribly hard. Much love.

[Anne]

It IS very early yet. But the fuckers should have told you that it might be too early to see a sac. Too bad you can't just get drunk and stay drunk until next week's b/w & u/s. I imagine that the wait will be brutal.

[skimmilk]

Delurking to say you are so pregnant. Congrats and dance some more! Go back and read your entry from a few days ago where you sounded SO UNBELIEVABLY smart and wise I thought you had to be quoting from Oprah or some no sweat small stuff people. Take your own advice and enjoy the now. Think of it this way--if this were happening to a friend, what would you think? You would tell her to relax, you are sure she is so pregnant, all the signs point to it, now go and dance, silly sauce.

If all else fails find that lucky orange cat, snuggle up and soak up the no-stress cat vibes!(from a fellow orange cat lover...)

[DebbieS]

Hi Danae,

Poor sweetie. I'm sorry you couldn't have had more encouraging news today. When they did my first u/s (I hadn't known I was pregnant...I was there for my first infertility consult), I was supposedly 5 weeks 4 days pregnant. Luckily, I didn't even know what they were looking for that early, because there was no sac at all, just a thickening of the uterine wall. And my beta was almost exactly yours, too, and I did spot a bit. And now I'm waddling around at 32 weeks. I'm wishing you all that wonderful love and discomfort, too. Don't be scared...we're all here with you.

[Kay]

Oh, Danae. I can't believe there is MORE waiting. Thinking positive thoughts....

[Bella]

How terrifying! Cornell doesn't usually do an ultrasound until 7 weeks, so I want to pretend that today didn't happen for you. Your numbers sound great, so I'm all for too early. Try to breathe.

[JuliaKB]

Sorry about the rollercoaster. So stupid with not telling. Fuckers! The curse of the long wait on them all!
I'll be on pins and needles for you until the next go around. I hope it all works out. A lovely sac or two next week would be great. Not too much to ask, methinks.

[ericalil]

Oh, good CHEESUS! I don't blame you for shouting, not one bit. I'll be on the edge of my seat, and if I had anything to say in this matter, you would see a lovely sac in another week. I will be keeping everything crossed that this works out. I'm so sorry for the fear and anxiety, shitsky!

erica

[T]

Phucking, phuck, phuck. And I also lost my post (it was really super witty and hilariously funny - you woulda really died laughing from it).

I'm sorry Danae - hope the week flies by (yeah, I know).

[Jo]

just dropping in from lurkdom to say - can you armtwist your doctor into letting you do HCG betas every 2nd day until next week's ultrasound? [starting tomorrow, that should have your happy sappy days coordinating nicely with doubling beta results]. good luck!

[Danae]

Bella, I heard the same thing from another friend today. So why did Cornell want me to have an ultrasound at 5 weeks?? I'm going to call tomorrow and find out. Very strange.

[Emily]

Just hanging out waiting with you.

Kisses.

[wix]

danae, i had my first u/s at 5w5d. the u/s tech said that the foetal heart had JUST begun to beat. it seems like 5 weeks straight up is a wee bit early to be able to see anything. they poked and prodded me for a long time, too, before they found anything. my fingers are still crossed that all is well.

[akeeyu]

So, like, what? You want we should go rough up your Wand Monkey a little? Because we would totally do that for you. We've got your back.

[Cat, Galloping]

This is such an incredibly difficult and frightening time and there's really nothing anyone can say to help you through it. So I'll just say that I'll be here believing for you on the days that you can't and wishing the speedy passage of time until you are in a less scary place.

[k]

Glad you posted. Soak up the "up" days between now and your beta/ultrasound, eh? And sleep through the "down" days. I hope the u/s shows that everything is tip-top, and then you will be free to dance with glee (restrained glee, I mean, until the magical 12-week mark...then it's unrestrained post-12-week glee dancing).

[Jody]

Oof. Yeah, they should have said something BEFORE the damn appointment and the half-hour in hell.

I'll be anxiously awaiting further news from the beta front. Those numbers really ARE looking very fine.

[Jo]

But...but...why do they suck like that?

Well. You'll show them all, I'm sure. That's one damn fine beta, and you know I spotted my ass off, progesterone supps and all.

I will keep you no longer, as you are probably very busy googling "no sac visible 5w stranger vagina" or something. I heart you.

[shari]

oh for the love of PETE!!! What a nightmare you are having.... I know saying 'try not to worry' is in utter vain, over an entire weekend, no less.... been there done that, and I know it sucks........hang in there best you can and try thinking only happy sappy thoughts. Ugh!!!

[Rachel]

Well, that is just about as annoying as it could be. As a rule, I avoid u/s until 7 weeks, just too much of a chance everything is fine but nothing is visable.

Try not to worry about it too much (easier sad then done, I knw) and try to focus on the beta.

[Christine]

Ditto everything above...it's so early and your numbers are so good...but telling you not to worry is pointless, I know. Making you wait until next week sucks big time, but I'm sure there's going to be a huge sac there at that time, probably holding a sign saying, "What, are you BLIND, Technician Bitch?" And that's a cool kid.

[Beth]

Oy, Danae! How awful! I don't know what those people think they're doing, scaring you like that with their stupid wand, but I'm with Akeeyu, I'm sure we could scare them too! Just say the word!

I really feel for you and feel that I should warn you to be prepared, the raging hormones might make you feel like this on and off for awhile, especially in that magical first trimester. This is just a really scary time so your reaction is completely understandable!

Also, I don't know, that's some kind of crazy math they're doing there. Where do they get 5 weeks out of 21 days past retreival? I know, they count from the time the egg ripens but it still seems like your only 3 weeks, you know?

Either way, your in the thick of the first trimester and it's a freaking roller coaster, all you can do is hang on and try to enjoy parts of the ride!

[karyn]

deep breaths, Danae, deep breaths.

I'm so sorry there is so much trauma and waiting. I feel sure that everything will work out just hunky-dory. And just think! Only 35 weeks to go!

[Boulder]

Who ever wrote out that plan for a 5wk u/s fucking sucks.

I could see it if you had some crazy history of ectopics with high betas, then sure, but they are unfairly fucking with your mind on this one. Or if you'd transferred 23 embryos and were concerned about you gestating a small village, but just for the hell of it? Fuckers.

And I say that knowing full well that I'm an u/s junkie and would have been up on the table myself if it had been my choice. That's why my RE won't let me even try before late in the 6th week - unless I'm around & she's free & we're both caught up in the moment. (Yes, that really happened.)

Hang in there & use us when you need to.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Ugh, Danae. It's not fair! I like the betas every two days plan too. We're all out here pulling for you.

[Cindy]

remember the beta......

[Mollie]

It's such a setup, these diagnostics. We all expect there to be answers after an u/s, but too often, it's just more questions. Sometimes, I think no information is better than no information and a wand up your whoopie.

A bun in the oven is worth two wands in th whoopie.

I'm lame. I know. I wish I could make you laugh. It's all I can hope for, since I can't fruit your womb.

Has anyone else ever noticed that "fruit of the loom" is a play on "fruit of thy womb"? I always imagined that a bunch of Jewish guys started a skivvies company and thought that was a great new testament joke.

Just trying to take your mind off things.

Not working, is it?

Sorry. Too much caffeine today.

xo

[korin]

Keeping the hope alive here. And waiting till friday... Waiting and hoping.

[Vix]

Hang on in there, try and see this as no news rather than bad news - 5 weeks is awfully early. I still have everything crossed for you - its making driving to work each day quite difficult!

[Melany]

I think it's just cruel that they put you through this!! I'm sure everything is okay. Me saying, you should relax, won't help... I know. Just trust

[j]

What a nightmare! And what a let-down. If you're anything like me, I'm sure your heart was practically beating out of your chest when you got on that table, and then to not see anything must have been torture.

At my two clinics, NYU and St. Barnabas, my first u/s was at 5w2d. That was the earliest they did ultrasounds, because earlier than that, you might not see anything. At St. Barnabas, I was supposed to be away at 5w2d, and they told me I could come in at 5w, but that I might not see anything, so they didn't recommend it. They really wanted me in at 5w4d. I postponed my trip so I could come in two days later, because I knew how awful it would be if I didn't see anything. Did you have your u/s at Cornell, or at a local clinic? When I cycled at St. B's, I had some u/s's locally, and one time, I'm not kidding you, the u/s tech could not find my ovaries! She looked and looked and I actually said "I'm pretty sure I have ovaries, last time I checked" I was so annoyed with her probing idiotically. She finally found them, but according to her, there were only 1-2 follicles, when the appointment before there were 10-11. I was so upset, they had a doctor come in and re-do the u/s, who indeed found all the follicles that had been there two days before, plus more. So an u/s tech who is not so used to doing u/s so early may also have been unable to see something as small as a tiny 5 w sac. At that same clinic, for my 5w2d u/s, the tech (a different one) saw one sac, and really almost missed the second one, they were so small. At 6w2d, my RE missed an entire baby. We saw one heartbeat and one fetal pole with no heartbeat. A week later, there were three babies with heartbeats (we lost one of them).

This early on, everything is so small, it is hard to see, and takes a great machine and a lot of skill. If your bloodwork is all normal (not just normal, but great) then I'm sure all is fine. The first 2ww is hard. The second 2ww is almost unbearable. Hang in there.

[Lola]

Just hang in there. I recognise that tha's probably the most inane thing to say, but I don't know what else TO say. If it helps, you've got about a gajillion total strangers fervently wishing for the best possible outcome. I check every day to see how you're getting on. I'm thinking about you!

[LEB]

Oh God how scary :(

Its still okay - 5 weeks is way too soon to be scanning (Dr. Google MD here).

Will be anxiously checking back.

[Ana]

Danae, when I got pregnant the doctor wouldn't even do an ultrasound before 6 weeks because he didn't want me to stress out if we couldn't find anything. I had one at exactly 6 weeks and all we saw was a TINY sac, no embrio and no heartbeat, because it was still too early. And yet, I'm 22 weeks along now and the baby is measuring right on target. It's normal that you didn't see anything this early. It means nothing!

[Kathleen]

Danae--

My RE wouldn't do an ultrasound after positive beta until 6 weeks. Even then, he said 6 weeks exactly was the earliest possible day that the heartbeats could be seen. We did see 2 strong heartbeats at week 6. We saw another weak one at 8 weeks...that was the one that didn't make it. But that tells you that it can be even LONGER than 6 weeks, so even if you don't see anything NEXT week, that is not conclusive. Although I bet you will. I think there's a healthy little bean in there, and his/her little home for the next 8 months will be visible shortly.

[Simone]

Pure torture Danae.
And you thought you'd been tortured enough already, didn't you?? The minutes must drag by! The bloodwork is all good so that's all the assurance I need. But of course you want to see that sac so you can relax. Hang in there sweetie....your moment to exhale is just around the corner.

[chris]

Honestly, I was really surprised they wanted to see you that early. My clinic doesn't even bother until 6 weeks. And I usually feel safer at 7. Hell, I'd feel a lot safer at 40 if I could get that far.

Anyway, hang in there. It's going to be fine.

Damn doctors.

Take care.

[Claudia]

Sheesh, what a rollercoaster. I'm sorry you have to go through this, it just doesnt' seem fair. Hang in there, try to enjoy being pregnant - 'cause you ARE.

[Katrina]

hon I am so sorry that they weren't able to see anything this time. We are all saying tons of prayers for you and this little one. I agree, they should have at least warned you that they might not see anything. Sending lots of ((hugs)) your way!!

[boxing octopus]

can you get tres leches cake where you live? if so, i recommend some. its extreme deliciousness will distract you for at least a day.

[Tine]

Ditto everybody else. That was an early u/s, and your RE should have warned you about what you might/might not see.

I'm mostly a lurker, but a dedicated one. I've been stalking your site lately for news and thinking about you a lot. Will continue to do so, looking for more happy sappy news and supporting you in spirit through those low spots on the roller coaster.

And by the way: Congratulations, mama!

[Brooklyn Girl]

Oh, I'm sorry this isn't easier. (I didn't have my Cornell ultrasound until 6 weeks.)

[Susan]

Okay, let's regroup...great beta (need more between now and u/s so as not to lose last piece of mind) and an indeterminate 5w u/s so that puts you in the pregnant category.
Holding your hand until next week.

[Ally]

Coming out of lurkdom to say I have my fingers and toes crossed for you.

[Sara]

Danae, I saw a sac at 4w6d and a heartbeat at 5w4d and miscarried shortly thereafter. So, it seems the majority of the women I have talked to said they have not seen the sac until AFTER the 5-6 week mark, along with a heartbeat. (and they all had babies!)Maybe, as in my case, seeing it too early is a bad omen. I am reaching here, but I just really feel like everything is going to work out. I have so many fingers crossed for people all over Blogland that I can't type well.

Hugs from afar . .

[VHMPrincess]

I had always thought they couldn't see anything until after the beta was well over 1000 and you're only a little over 1000 - keeping fingers crossed for you!

[becky]

Oh man. Time to turn the wand on that doctor and probe HIM a bit. It's totally ridiculous they had you go in for an u/s so early! Your betas tell the whole story. They are so rockin' and tell you that everything is A-OK. Blast the stupid u/s machine! We'll be waiting here for the next week with you. Plus, I think Jo's suggestion is right-on - beg for betas every couple of days until then for reassurance. Tell them they don't want a nervous mother on their hands!

[deborah]

Gah, I had almost forgotten how much this part SUCKS ASS. The waiting and wondering is downright agonizing. Hang in there, Danae...all my crossables are crossed for you.

[Lily]

ok- first of all- when you say ultrasound goo that makes me think they did an abdominal u/s instead of dildocam?? perhaps because of the spotting? if that's so, it would be extremely early and you would need an u/s tech sent from heaven to be able to spot a teeny 5 wk sac. And even being positive on dates like you ivf'ers are, the range for what is "normal" at 5 wks is a big range. There could be no sac, small sac, empty sac, small visible embryo....they all develop a little differently. Also, the fact that you are still spotting is a good sign in that the spotting hasn't progressed to real bleeding. And besides all of that- the bloodwork is more important than u/s at this point, so that's reassuring. Everything could very well be perfectly fine.

[GiBee]

It's amazing what a few extra days will do. I had the same problem you did ... Then... when I went in the next week, they did the sono, found all the right things, and MAGICALLY, the heart started beating for the very first time EVER while we were staring at the screen. My RE was so excited she started to holler to the nurse. I was a blubber baby, and my DH got a little teary, too. That made all the anxiety worth it.

Just focus on the good for now. That's all you can do, and your numbers are EXCELLENT.

You're going to be F-I-N-E...

Still thinking of you and praying for you.

[Angela]

I am so sorry about the bad appointment. I am thinking of you and wishing for the best.

[Dan in MN]

Isn't it true that spotting can mean implantation too? I can't exactly recall (Mr. posting here), but I'm pretty sure the Mrs anaon also had some spotting when she conceived.

I suggest you try some jedi mind trick, or Deepak Chopra tapes, or maybe magic mushrooms, SOMETHING to give yourself a positive outlook on this whole shebang. Easier said than done, I know (and no, don't really eat the fungus), but it is your best plan.

Maybe forcing yourself to feel positive can be used to give yourself a small measure of control over the situation. So maybe you don't FEEL 100% positive about the whole thing? If so, fake it till you make it. (Sorry for cranking up the slogan-ator). Forcing yourself to feel, or at least act, positive will give you something to do, and might make it easier to actually feel positive about this whole deal. And that could be good for baby.

Sorry if this is unsolicited advice, but it did work for us.

When we went for our confirmation of pregnancy ultrasound (at something like 2 weeks pregnant, after an IUI with injectables), our RE looked at the size of the blastocycst/embryo, and asked us if we had shared the news with anyone yet. We hadn't, and he suggested that we not, because the size of the embryo was too small for the stage of development. Obviously, follistim, with a trigger shot, and IUI means they know to the day when we conceived).

Needless to say, we walked out of there feeling a bit somber. We were told to come back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound. We wondered if the appt would even be needed, or if the process would fail, terminate, whatever. We decided to be vocally positive about the whole thing, and viola! It worked. After 4 weeks of mandatory bed rest due to pg-induced hypertension (hers, not mine), a few issues at the delivery, and heart surgery for the boy at 3 months to correct his PDA, we now have a healthy, babbling 4 month old boy.

Positive thinking is powerful stuff. I'll be thinking positive thouhts for you.

[Kristin]

Hoping and praying that everything turns out ok for you!

[Lisa]

Ok I don't even know why I'm adding a comment, because I don't know anything about IVF, pregnancy, etc, all I can offer are some coping strategies in times of stress.

Whenever you're waiting for something, the best thing to do is to keep yourself busy. I recently had a cancer scare and the six days I was waiting for test results were hell. A friend asked me to do her a favor which would involve standing on line for about 10 hours on a Saturday and honestly, it really took my mind off things. If you know anyone who needs help with ANYTHING, offer your services. Also, you should try to not be alone right now, because you have to keep your mind occupied so you don't worry.

Another thing that helps me when I've got my mind on something is to watch movies that are happy and sappy like Sleepless in Seattle or some other total schlock like that. Sex and the City also works wonders. Maybe you can rent a bunch of videos, make yourself really comfy on the couch or in bed, and just settle in for the wait until your next Dr. appt. It is too bad that you can't drink either, because nothing makes the time pass faster than a bender!

Also, since it's summer, maybe it would be a good idea to get outside this weekend! The sun actually will make you feel better.

And I would echo what everyone else said- screw the doctor's who keep you in the dark. I honestly believe that everything will be just fine, you just have to get through the next week or two, and then everything will be ok! Good luck!

[Lyss]

Neither my fantastic RE nor any of the 4 OBs I've been through in the last year would have EVER done an u/s before 6w1d.

I think that had you seen the sac(s), it would have been incredibly reassuring. Maybe they just didn't think about the fact that you can't always see it?

Anyway, fuck them, you're totally pregnant.

[Susy]

I haven't read everyone else's comments, so I don't know if this has already been stated. BUT, when I was pregnant my OB didn't want to see me until I was at least 9 weeks. I thought this was beyond absurd, and told them so. They promptly told me that there was no point in coming in sooner because "we can't really see anything before then."

But the waiting, in the immortal and cheesy words of Tom Petty, is the hardest part. Hang in there.

[dawna]

I haven't the slightest idea who's brilliant idea it ever is to have an ultrasound that early. MOST of the time they don't see anything, then they send some poor woman home petrified that everything has gone wrong. My theory? No ultrasound until 7 weeks unless they are making sure there is nothing in the tubes. Much safer for us nervous types.

In your situation, I would be worried as well, you have every right to be. And not having control over the outcome does not take away your right to worry. It is what women do, is it not? About everything? All the time? So, worry if you must, it's a dreadful thing to worry all the time, causing stress and such, but we can't help it, it's the way we are and what we do. Tell those stupid dr's of yours to get better ultrasound machines when you yell at them for not forewarning you about possibly not seeing anything that early. Tards.