The End

The 7 week ultrasound in my REs office was inconclusive. My hCG was still rising, although abnormally, so we were sent across the street to have a super-duper high resolution ultrasound which revealed an intrauterine gestational sac with a fetal pole, measuring 5 weeks. No heartbeat. A missed abortion, they like to call it.

I have a D&C scheduled for Thursday, and I swear to god, after it's over, I'm not taking my pants off ever, ever again.

We have been fighting this battle with infertility for six long years, and it's time to stop. It's time to...

Oh, I have no fucking idea what we're going to do now, but it's going to be something new. Something different. Something easy. Something that doesn't involve needles. I guess knitting is out. Maybe we'll try bob sledding. I'll let you know.

Honestly, I don't know how to express my gratitude to all of you - my friends inside the computer and my friends outside of the computer and of course, my family - for the kindness and compassion you have given my husband and me. Your emails, comments, phone calls and visits have helped us make our way through the crazy ups and downs of this short pregnancy. You've helped us to laugh and to cry, to scream and curse the universe, yet acknowledge and be thankful for our many blessings. Most importantly, you've helped us to remember that we are not alone and we will survive this.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Comments

[AtlantaDebbie]

I simply don't have the words to convey how sad I am that this, all of this, the years and years and year of this, have happened to you. With all of my heart, I wish it was not so.

I'm glad that you posted, and I am glad that you at least have some resolution. But what a small reward is resolution after the long, stressful journey you've taken.

Danae, I admire you so much. You are tough. You are a fighter. You are amazing! Whatever you do next, you'll be amazing at that, I know.

Again, I am so sad this didn't work out for you.

[Tina]

You have my most heartfelt sympathy. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers. The thought is for peace.

[rb]

ohhhh, i'm heartbroken for you, and i'm *so* sorry you didn't get your miracle. like many, i've been following your story and just want you to know i've been thinking of you. you and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

signed,
ruth

[kate]

Shit. I was hoping against reason for better news.

My thoughts are with you and I hope that you get through these difficult times okay.

[Marivic]

I'm sorry it's progressed like this for you. I and the rest of the universe will be thinking of you and your family. Take care, maybe wait on the bobsledding? Definitely hit the mojitas though. Hugs,

Marivic

[Libby]

I am deeply, deeply sorry Danae. I've been refreshing like there is no tomorrow over the past few days hoping to hear from you. I am so sad things did not work out.

Know that another stranger in the computer is thinking about you and wishing you well.

[Megan]

I am so sorry, Danae. I'm so glad that you've had such strong support. We've all been thinking of you constantly. It sounds like you are doing as well as anyone could hope. I very much understand the hurt, and how I wish there were something that could be done... please take care.

[Stephanie]

Another lurker coming out to say how sorry I am, and wish you all the best in the new chapter of your life.

[Emily]

Oh Danae, I'm crying for you, so heartbroken for you.

I'm so sorry. I love you so much.

[Vix]

There are no words, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. If it helps in anyway you will be in my thoughts

[erin]

so, so sorry Danae.

grace & peace to you dear one.

[ericalil]

I'm so sorry...

[Angela]

Words cannot express my sorrow.

I hope that whatever you decide to do next brings you much joy.

[Gina]

I am so very sorry. I just cannot even say how sorry I am that this happened to you.

[karyn]

Danae,

I was really hoping this would be the right time for you. I am so sorry that it is not. I hope that you will be okay, although I know that it will take time to heal and the heartache will be there forever.

I hope that someday you will be a parent, no matter what means to an end you take. You deserve this.

[amberlyn]

here is where words seem to be so useless. i'm so sorry you had to go through this.

[DMouse]

I am so so sorry.

[cheryl b.]

Oh I am so so sorry. Thinking of you and your husband......

[Noelle]

I'm so so sorry, Danae.

[Kara]

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Kate W.]

UGH- What an absolute unfair kick in the ass. I have been thinking of you and your family and want you to know what an unbelievable role model you are to so many. I know I could not handle this amount of stress and saddness with such grace.

[Meggan]

I'm so sorry this happened.

[Jessica]

So sorry for your pain, and so unbelievably proud and touched by the the shining unflagging spirit. You're a very special woman. Lots of chocolate, love and good thoughts.

[emily]

delurking to say that i am so sorry. i have been obsessively checking your blog since last week hoping for the best. i can't believe how sad i feel for someone i don't even know. i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better.

[Paula]

I am so sorry. Thinking of you.

[Susanna]

Another visitor delurking to say I'm so very sorry for your loss. Best wishes to you and your family --

[kristine]

my prayers for you are some moments in the next weeks for peace of mind, some amount of balm for your heart and some time and ability for rest, peaceful rest.

kristine

[Liz]

This totally fucking sucks. There are no words.

[Kell]

Ahh Danae what a cruel experience, I have bloody tears in my eyes reading that. I am so sorry. Fuck, theres nothing I can say to make you feel better or take away your pain and I feel useless. I'll be thinking of you.

[Anne]

Aw, fuck. I was hoping against hope that it would stick. Never taking your pants off again sounds like the beginning of a very good plan. Send me your address and I'll send you some superglue.

[T]

That's it, I'm lacing the marshmallow treats with vodka AND valium.

I'm so sorry Danae.

[chris]

My thoughts are with you. I hope whatever you choose to do, it brings you nothing but happiness.

Take care.

[j]

I'm crying for you. What a tease, to have that great beta, and for it not to work out. And for it to take such a long time to finally know that it wasn't working out. But I'm glad for you to be moving on to the next thing, whatever that may be. I know that the next thing will bring you peace and joy, whether it is another path to parenthood, or the choice to live a different life. As horrible as this ending was, it may make it easier to move on. Who the hell would want to live through this again? Never taking your pants off again sounds like an excellent idea. I guess you'll have to wear skirts to get a little action at home.

[Kris]

Thanks for updating us. I'm so sorry.

[Lyss]

Oh no. I'm so sorry.

On to bobsledding. Or not, or whatever you decide. Just take time to heal and let everyone around you take good care of you.

As for the D&C, demand good drugs, and some ambien or something to just sleep off the week after. GOOD DRUGS. Not like vicodin or something. I would demand percocet.

You are so strong. Thank you for letting us see you through this.

[Christine]

I'm so sorry, for everything, because I can only imagine how hellish the whole experience has been. Be very, very kind to yourselves.

[alex]

So very sorry. Damn. Just damn. Lots of love to you and the husband.

[Laura]

There aren't any good words. I'm just so sorry.

[runnerwoman]

I'm so sorry. This is not how things would have gone if I was in charge.

[PJ]

I'm so sorry Danae. My thoughts are with you.

[Ria]

I, too, am deeply sorry.

[Kinneret]

I'm so very deeply sorry, Danae. Please know you and yours are in my thoughts.

[mopsy]

Danae, I am so sorry.

[Mar]

I have no words ... many thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

[Nors]

There are no words, I am so sorry.

[Brooklyn Girl]

Oh Danae. There are no words.

[Jess in Nova Scotia]

You are very loved.

[Louise]

Oh Danae, I'm just so sorry.

[Amy E]

I'm so, so sorry.

Whatever your next step is I hope it works out exactly as you plan. You deserve amazing and wonderful things and I know you will find them somehow.

[Cat, Galloping]

Oh Danae. I kept coming back here hoping for miraculous news. I am so very sorry.

[Lori]

So very sorry it turned out this way. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband.

[Toni]

Danae,

I'm so, so very sorry. Sending some love and prayers to both you and your husband.

[Amanda]

Oh, Danae. Shit. I'm so, so sorry. Sending tons of love your way.

[Lizzy'sMom]

Like others, I kept checking back hoping for good news. I'm so, so sorry.

[TexasMama]

Shit. This just sucks. I wanted god news for you. I'm so, so sorry.

[Karen]

Oh Danae, I am so sorry. You have amazing strength that will see you through to happier times.

[Jen]

Danae, I'm so very sorry that this ended this way. My condolences, and hopes and prayers for healing and good things on the horizon.

[MM]

Fuck. God this is so unfair. I'm so sorry.

[Rose]

I too am so, so sorry.

[Amy]

Just a lurker, but I've been checking your blog and was hoping for good news. So sorry things turned out this way. I hope you can find some peace.

[martina]

De lurking to say I'm sorry. Much love goes to you and your hubby.

[Suz]

I am so sorry and heartbroken for you. I've been thinking of you and admiring your strength. I truly pray that your next road is an easy one, with many wine and cheese rest stops.

[Stephanie]

What they said. I'm so so sorry, and words just don't do justice in this situation. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.

[Lioness]

Oh Danae, fuck, not fair, too unfair, NO! I am heartbroken for you, it's becoming clear to me how much hope I was still holding on to. NOT FAIR!

I wish you... I don't know. I wish you whatever works best to ease the pain. A big hug, much, much love.

[Dead Bug]

So sorry that I can't quite breathe. I wish there was some hint of fairness in the universe.

--Bugs

[Jen-Again]

So sorry. I hope tht whatever path you choose next brings you the happiness that you deserve.

[Jen (yup, another one)]

Oh Danae, we are so, so sorry. It's just not fucking fair.

[wavybrains]

So sorry. No words to express it. Hoping you find some peace, some way.

[Stephanie]

I wish there was something else to say, some way to make it better. All I've got is what's been said before- I'm so very sorry.

[Molly]

Oh no. Truly heartbreaking.

If you had a dollar for every thought that's come your way this week, you'd be one rich woman. You are truly loved.

[Sara]

Danae, You entered my mind as I woke up this morning and I rushed upstairs later to see if my prayers were answered for you and your husband.

You were the first person in Blogland who responded to an e-mail I sent ages ago, asking for support. You are a beautiful soul and if there is ever anything I could ever do to help ease your pain, I am here. Always.

[Janis]

So very sorry..

Be gentle with yourself.

[Toni]

I kept hoping that it was your luck was changing...I'm so sorry...let us know if you need anything besides lots of thoughts...

[Julianna]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[MB]

I am so very very sorry. I wish peace for you, and please know my thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you.

[korin]

I'm so heartbroken for you. I wish you much peace. I don't know what to say other than that. I will be thinking of you.

PS. Knitting rocks. It will help heal so many wounds. I have knit my pain into many projects these past two years.

[Faerie]

I am so sorry to read this!! I've been checking your blog regularly for updates.

I hope that you find peace and healing and that the next step isn't an enigma forever.

[Margaret]

Another lurker, who was hoping for better news. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I hope that all the love and friendship you have helps to ease your suffering.

[Diana]

Danae,
I've only posted once or twice but I've been following your story for some time now. I've admired your endless strength and hope through this entire process and I hope you feel some peace and closure from the decision to move on - please keep posting because I'm selfish and want to know the next road you decide to travel. Please know all of us, infertile and fertile, hold you in our hearts.

[Buggy]

I'm sorry, you have had some crappy luck. I hope that you and your husband are able to find some peace. You will be in my thoughts.

[K]

Oh Danae,
I'm just another stranger, another lurker, who has to let you know that another heart aches for you. There's so much I want to say to try to make you feel even the tiniest bit better, but I'm afraid it will come out wrong.

I'll just send bunches of virtual hugs and kleenex your way.

[Nina]

So so sorry. Try to be gentle with yourself. I know how these things feel and how nothing anyone says will make it better, but we are thinking of you and wishing you peace.

[Kathleen]

I'm really sorry, Danae. I was so hoping for a happy ending. But I know you'll still make a happy ending, later, after you get past this.

Give yourself lots of time to heal. I know how hard this is. I'll be thinking of you Thursday.

[R]

I am so sorry.

[Annie]

Dear Danae,

This is really bad news and I was really hoping that it would be different. Take good care of yourself and I know your mama is there loving you up so that is a help. So sorry.

[Jenn]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. The pain of my own is still fresh. I'll be thinking of you.

[Sarah]

To add my voice,
I'm so, so sorry, Danae.

I am thinking of you.

[Mollie]

Danae. I am very sad to hear about your loss; what a heartbreak. Oh, God. I'm relieved to know that you are getting the care you need. I wish there were something more I could do.

[Kay]

My deepest sympathies are with you. As are my best wishes for your next step - whatever that may be. I will hold you in my heart and prayers in the days to come.

I'm so sorry.

[Jill]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You are continually in my prayers.

[TracyB]

Danae,

My very heartfelt condolences on all of your losses. Be good to yourself.

And I can't wait to hear about the bobsledding! Maybe take a trip to Jamaica to get their advice on the best sleds...or at least the best sun and rest available.

Be well.

[Leslie]

I'm so sorry, Danae.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry, Danae. Words cannot express how sorry. Hang in there. I could give some assvice, but when you're ready look into other options. I'm currently pursuing TCM after years of infertility treatments. I can't say it's working yet, but I'm hopeful.

[Lisa V]

Danae, I am so sorry. I prescribe chocolate, vodka, and really shitty movies that you can make fun of. I am hoping whatever you decide, your future does not hold the pain of the past.

[Menita]

Dammit, I am so sorry for all of these years, for all of this pain. I am sorry, my heart bleeds for you. And I just don't know what else to say.

[Linda B]

I've just recently started reading. I am so very sorry. Sorry that you have to go through such pain and loss.

[Z]

damn! i'm so sorry. man, i hate to say that but that's all i really know to say. i wish there was more. i'm just so sorry. you're in my thoughts. i wish i could more.

[ms pickled eggs]

I'm so very sorry. Thinking of yiu and DH.

[Julie s.]

Danae,
I wish there were something to say, but there isn't, other than that I am thinking of you, sending you my strength and my prayers.
I admire you for all of your courage through all of this.
Huge hugs,
Julie

[Julia]

So very, very sorry.