I'm Okay

During my somewhat lengthy absence, some of you may have been wondering whether I'd locked myself in the dark basement and curled myself up into a ball on the floor where I've remained, motionless, for weeks. Maybe you've pictured me lying there next to an empty box of donuts, dressed in grubby, cat hair-covered sweat pants and a Pink Floyd tee shirt, my face smeared with a thick, opaque Krispy Kreme glaze. Perhaps you've imagined me mumbling something ridiculous like theplatypuskilledmybaby, while an endless stream of sugary drool runs from the side of my mouth and pools onto the cold concrete floor.

The truth is, I'm doing okay. Sure, I've eaten my fair share of Krispy Kremes, and I'm not denying the cat hair thing, but I promise you I haven't seen my Pink Floyd tee shirt in years, and I wouldn't even consider lying down on my floor. The couch works just fine.

I'm kidding.

There have been some bad days, of course, but far fewer than I had expected. The day of the D&C was definitely a bad one, but the deep emotional pain I felt immediately upon waking from the anesthesia has been softened a little bit more with each passing day. The incredible amount of love and support my husband and I have received from family and friends has helped immeasurably. For weeks following the D&C, our house was filled with hugs and flowers and cards and baked goodies, and to this day, the emails, comments and phone calls keep coming. I thank you all so much for helping us through this. To do it alone would be literally impossible.

The most difficult part for me right now is shifting focus. As odd as it may sound, my heart had already begun this process long before we started our last IVF cycle. For the past year or so, I held onto a tiny bit of hope, but at the same time, I had already accepted that I would probably never be a mother. And ever so slowly I came to realize that that would be okay.

Yeah, I said that.

And it will be okay. I will be okay. The pain will surely not disappear overnight, nor do I expect it to. It may never completely disappear. And that's okay, too. What's not okay, for me, is to continue to suffer through failed cycles and heartbreaking losses month after month, year after year, never knowing when (or if) it will end. Which is why my husband and I have decided that it will end, and it will end now.

I know all of this probably sounds utterly depressing and may even be impossible for some of you to fathom - believe me, there was a time when I wouldn't dare dream of giving up until I had a child, so I do understand - but please do not pity nor judge me for having made this decision. It's the right decision for my husband and me, and that's what matters. Think of it not as regretfully admitting defeat, but as making the conscious choice to ditch the chaos and bring peace back into our lives.

There is something - a new bit of information - that has recently slowed the focus-shifting process for me. I have never had an official diagnosis -- it was always "unexplained" until, by process of elimination, we just assumed that my eggs were crap. This is why we wanted to use PGD with our last IVF. After my D&C, we had genetic testing done on the, um, products of conception, and the results came back a few days ago. We were sure that there would be a chromosomal abnormality because we were sure my eggs were chromosomally abnormal. The chorionic villi was obtained for testing, so there was no confusion between maternal and embryonic tissue. The result: chromosomally normal female.

The news took my breath away. Besides the obvious sadness that comes with knowing the sex of the child I might have had, I am left to wonder - AGAIN - about the cause of my infertility. If that one egg was okay - and, yes, I do understand that only certain chromosomes are tested, so there's a chance that an abnormality actually did exist - but if the egg was normal and the embryo was normal, then my body is to blame for this loss. But why? How? I've been tested and retested and nothing appears to be broken. How is it that we've spent so many years and so much money on tests and treatments and not one goddamned doctor can give us a clear answer?

Of course, the test result has been making me hold on to a tiny bit of hope that it still may happen the old-fashioned way [insert hysterical laughter here] and I'm not sure what I can do about that. I'm determined not to obsess over it, but I don't plan on trying to prevent it, either. I know it's highly unlikely given my history and my age, so I feel silly for even mentioning any of this. But you can't expect to have a healthy relationship with the Internet without complete honesty, right?

So what's next? Well, I'm an artist whose brushes are dusty, and I plan to change that. There's an empty space on the wall above my living room sofa that could really use a big, colorful picture. Art used to be such a huge part of my life; a great passion of mine. I loved the feeling of the brushes between my fingers, the earthy smell of the paints and the intense joy of losing myself in the creative process -- sort of how one feels while reading a great book: the world melts away and time passes without making a sound. Then one day I opened my eyes and my art had been replaced by ART, which sucks because do you know how many cool paintings I could have made while in the midst of those dark, crappy days? Eh, I'm not too worried, I still have a lot of heavy-duty emotions to work with.

So that's where I am right now. I think I've covered just about everything, haven't I?

Oh, except I wanted to say that if you've emailed me and I haven't written back yet, know that I haven't forgotten about you, I promise. I'm just really, really sloooooow. Also, I haven't been reading blogs lately, so I'm feeling out of the loop, but know that I'm always thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Comments

[reprogirl]

I'm glad you're OK.

[JP]

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that helps at least a bit.

Thank you for contuing to tell your story.

[Jesse]

I wish you all the peace and healing that you need to move on to whatever the next phase of your life will be. You're doing what feels right for you and that's exactly what you should be doing. It takes a lot of strength to recognize that and I can't even imagine how hard the process and the decision have been. It just shows what an incredibly strong person you are, probably more so than you even think.
I hope you'll still keep up the blogging though, to chronicle this next phase of your life. You've definitely been missed these past few weeks. :)

[juliejulie]

Its good to hear from you. You've been missed.

[Kay]

Glad to see an update. Glad to see the healing process start. Glad you are comfortable with the decisions you have made.

God bless. You will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

[Dee]

Indeed, you were missed very much.

In my darkest days after my D&C I found comfort in the following (hope you don't mind if I share it, and hope you don't think it's assvice):

"Sometimes on the way to a dream, you get lost and find a better one."

How I wish this for you...regardless of what form your dream takes.

Love to you.

[rb]

i'm so glad to see an update! you've been in my thoughts these past weeks, and will continue to be. i wish you all the best, and i hope your future is jam-packed with good things. i really enjoy your blog, and look forward to reading more!

peace to you.

ruth in la

[Heidi]

I've been thinking about you often...wondering how you are holding up. I wish you calm and peaceful days ahead, full of swirling paintbrushes and lots of color. Thank you for updating all of us who have been faithfully waiting to hear more. Much love and many hugs, Heidi

[Sherri]

I have had to come to the decision you've come to myself, only I didn't suffer nearly as much as you have (age being a factor, things kind of got made up for me). You're braver than many, and as capable of making a good, happy, fulfilling life with your husband as anyone else. Thanks for sharing with all of us anonymous blips in the blogosphere -- and I hope you'll post photos of that big painting.

[Maria]

I remember when I came to the same decision a year after my d&c and, for me, it felt good. I had fought myself, doctors and good-well wishers for so long that I was tired. I had forgotten how it felt to spend a day without thinking about all the things to do with embroys, babies, pregnancy, loss, etc.

Oh, and I, too, picked up my brush and started painting again and am proud to say I have created a few paintings that are now in my dining room and living room.

You're in my thoughts and I wish you the best.

[Jo]

Oh, Danae. It's good to hear from you.

[Jenny]

You go, girl. It's an unbelievably difficult time for you -- I know, because I'm going through something very similar. Hang in there, and know that your heart will tell you what you need to do.

[Libby]

I am glad to hear that you are doing OK Danae. I am just another lurker that has been thinking about you, checking faithfully for an update and wishing nothing but good things for you and your husband.

[Tine]

Oh, I'm so glad to hear from you. Not that you owe us a thing...but it's really, really good to know that you're OK, or on your way to OK, or whatever. Your post is beautiful, by the way. Not only is the writing stunning, it gave me what feels like a rare glimpse of a truly remarkable human being.

[halloweenlover]

So glad to hear that you are doing okay. I second what everyone else has said. Only you can know what is right for you, and all we wish for you is happiness. And share some of the artwork with us, if you can?

[Vix]

Good for you, Danae!

[martina]

You were in our thoughts. Glad to see you are okay.

Way to take the reigns and take control of the matter at hand. IT will only empower you

My thoughts are with you and may the force be with you and your husband!

Cheers from Canada

[CJ]

I'm so glad to see an update. I too have been thinking of you for the past few weeks. Good energy and bright thoughts to you and your husband.

[liz]

Hugs and good wishes to you. You are a beautiful person.

[Pamplemousse]

Lovely to hear from you, Danae. Your spirit and courage are an inspiration. Take care.

You don't know me but I am happy to hear from you. I am glad you have a plan. It takes a great amount of strength to say enough and this is the end and move on. I hope you give yourself the credit you deserve for that strength.

I am sorry you did not get a clear and cut answer to your infertility.

Best wishes to a wonderful future.

[Gina]

opps, that above comment was from me. The one with no name.

[Jenn]

Thank you for checking in with us! You are in my thoughts so often.

[Em]

At the risk of sounding like I'm on an Oprah Winfrey devotee, I found your post totally inspiring and gives me a lot of hope. I'm still relatively early on in the infertility investigations and trying for a baby but it does cross my mind that I may need to come to accept that I may not have a child. It is scary and I wonder if I think this now, I may jinx myself getting pregnant but then that's a load of crap. Thank you for your blog and sharing your experiences. I also find Krispy Kreme very effective in dealing with things!

[Jill]

Hi, Danae. It's nice to see a post from you again, and I'm glad that you're okay. I can totally understand your decision to stop trying, because sometimes I think the hardest thing about living through years of infertility and miscarriages is not knowing when it's going to end (short of menopause). Having unexplained infertility/miscarriages makes it even more frustrating, in my opinion. It's so exhausing to feel so little control over such emotionally huge twists and turns for so long; I imagine it might feel like a relief to finally come to the end of the road and say "Enough. I have decided. I'm done." I'm wishing you much peace and many beautiful paintings.

[gretchen]

Delurking to wish you all the best. I admire your strength and courage.

[Laura(southernxyl)]

I've been thinking about you too, Danae, and I'm glad you posted. I think in your place I would do exactly as you have done. And I don't think you're nuts for having it in the back of your mind that it might still happen the old-fashioned way. My neighbors tried for a baby for years, gave up, and when they were in their 40's it finally happened. I think they just had one baby in them!

[jules]

Thanks for updating, Danae, and so glad you're doing okay.

[chris]

I'm so sorry about your little girl.

I always wonder how the decision to stop comes about. While I've always thought that it must inevitably bring sadness, there must be peace as well. You are a brave, smart woman and you sound like you've found, or are starting to find, that peace. You've given many of us hope and made a lot of us laugh. I hope you'll post photographs of some of your new paintings here and let us share more of your funny stories and experiences; you have so much more to offer than this all-encompassing TTC business.

Good luck on this next phase in your life.

[susan/holdingpattern]

I am glad to hear from you and to hear that you are doing better everyday. I can totally understand how you feel about wanting to stop the treatment and rediscover your old passions again. I wish you the best with it. I hope you can turn this blog into an Art blog. whatever you write about in the future, I would love to read.

God Bless.

[Fuzzy]

I'm so sorry :(
Thank you for letting us know you are ok. Best of luck to you and to your husband

[Lisa V]

Danae,
It's a valid and logical choice to get off the rollercoaster. I really think it is a good way to create a life you can live, not wait to live. Wishing you joy, luck and love.

[getupgrrl]

I just love you.

[deborah]

Love you, Danae. That is all.

[The Good Rachel]

Danae,

You sound very at peace with your decision. Sending good thoughts to you and yours.

[Ali]

Sweet Grapes:How To Stop Being Infertile and Start Living Again by Jean and Michael Carter.

[Jenn]

Making that decision took great amounts of strength. When I woke up from my D&C I cried and cried until they didn't know what to do with me. Also a chormosomally normal girl. And, an artist with dusty brushes. I feel for you. I really do.

[Z]

i wish i had your strength. i'm in awe of your courage. i know it's hard and confusing so i hope and pray that you find peace in whatever decision you make. you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

[millie]

I'm so glad to hear your doing ok. Wishing you all the best.

[Debbie S]

Danae, I'm so very glad you're back, in whatever condition you may be in! Raffles sends his love too, and suggests that you get an Italian greyhound of your very own to snoogle with and clean the Krispy Kreme crumbs off your face. Heck, it's not a bad idea, Iggies get along great with cats =) Thinking of you and sending great big hugs from San Diego =)

[Sherry]

D, you're fabulous and I'm so glad to see you're back.

[Emily]

I've been thinking about you for weeks, but wanted to give you some space before I wrote you again. I'm glad you're doing o.k.

Much love your way.

[Amanda]

It's so good to hear from you, Danae. I'm glad you're doing ok. You've been in my thoughts and will continue to be.

[Beth]

Danae, you are back! Wow, for a minute there I thought you would be coming back to say you were DTC or something! Happy to hear that you are doing okay, whatever you decide to do, that's between you and your DH. I like the painting idea!

Thanks for updating, take care!

[Lioness]

Oh Danae, such a pretty, peaceful post. I wish you much much contentment and sunny soulful days, and Autumn leaves to inspire your strokes.

(You will stick around, right?)

[esther]

So glad you are okay. And, glad you are back. Wishing you the best, as well.

[TracyB]

Danae, you are such a strong woman. Take care of hubby, the cats, and yourself.

Be happy. Be well.

[Kris]

Glad to hear you are doing ok. Happy painting.

[Megan M]

Hi, I'm a lurker, who found her way here via Grrl's blog.

I am sorry you have had to go threw so much pain. I know this may sound like "assvise", but I was wondering if you have been tested for any clotting disorders? I have had numerous miscarriages and I was always told cause "unknown". After losing my son at 16 wks and finding out he was perfectly normal, I figured it was something wrong with my body and I was right. I have a clotting disorder called MTHFR. I have never in my life had a clot.

I am now currently 28 wks pregnant and I have to take heparin injections twice a day and baby asprin. This is just my story and I know it may not be the case with you, but I would not have learned about this disorder if it hadnt been for another womans story I read online.

I wish you luck on your journey!

[karyn]

I'm so glad you have so much support, both in 'real' life and 'virtual' life. I am so sorry for your pain, and I wish you nothing but the best for the future. You are an amazing woman.

[Mollie]

Hooray for Danae.

It's good to read you, and I am glad to hear that you are weathering the transition with so much strength and support.

xo

[someone who cares]

Danae, folllowing your journey and grrl's, as I am pretty much in the same boat. We decided months ago to use a surrogate -- my sister!! I am near 40, she is 32. We start implanting in three weeks. What a gift she is giving us. Is there someone in your life, or someone else willing, to do this for you? You need to be a mom, you deserve to be a mom. Honey, I wish you peace and beauty and amazing paintings in the meantime. xxoo, a stranger

[Brandee]

Danae~
I want to comment but I just don't know what to say. I'm so glad you are OK, and I...my heart just hurts for your losses. I'm glad you are surrounded by friends and family and the internet. Thanks for updating us.

[mandy]

All my love, so glad to hear from you

[unexplained]

Holy Moly - I just read your "about me" to see what you've been through - all that, and unexplained? I'm unexplained too, but have not pursued ART for various reasons. Being unexplained SUCKS ASS. I'm so sorry for everything and congratulate you on reaching peace. And like you said, and like I said, maybe someday it will just happen (my husband has been getting increasingly comfortable with being child free, and I keep telling him that God's going to smite us at like 43 or something ).

[Dead Bug]

You are an inspiration, and I am both crying and cheering you on.

--Bugs

[Cheryl W]

Hi Danae, Thanks so much for the post; I was worried about you but am glad to know that you are moving toward peace. I am sort of there....I am 40, married, have unexplained infertility and have spent 8 yrs ttc. I went thru ART and none of it worked. When I did conceive via IUI; it was a tubal pregancy. I made the decision over a yr ago to stop all of the treatment. Some months, it is still difficult; but I will never forget the first month w/o early morning ultrasounds, labs, meds...I really felt free. Sorry to be so long-winded. Please know I wish you all the best and email me if you wish; it would be great to chat. By the way, I am still childless, but do have 7 cats!

[alex]

Knowing which road to take is wise...... I wish you the best wherever that road takes you.

[MollieBee]

You kick ass Danae, I'm glad you are doing ok.

[Sara]

Danae,

So glad that you are healing, though I am sure it is taking more time than you wish. It sounds like you are in a better place right now and I just want you to know that you are always in my thoughts.

[Adria]

So glad to see you back. You've been in my thoughts.

[Maura in VA]

Your strength is such an inspiration, Danae. I really admire you. Thank you so much for continuing to share your experiences here. (BTW, you're a great writer, too.)

[Katy]

I wish you much peace in your heart. As corny as it sounds.

[swissmiss]

Delurking to say I wish you much peace and happiness. Returning to your art sounds like a wonderful plan. Would you consider posting images of some of your creations one day?

[Sandi]

i am just so blown away by the beauty of that entry.
I will cont. to wish and pray for you, your husband, family and friends in the coming time.

[T]

Glad to hear from you Danae. I love that art is replacing ART. Take it easy babe.

[Mary T.]

Glad to see that you're back, and that you took the time that you needed to sort things through. I only hope the best for you!

[Beret]

So glad you updated us..I've been checking for a new post for weeks.

I hope you find continued peace in whatever choices you make.

[Jacqueline]

Many thanks for the update and best wishes for your future...

[Paula]

I admire your grace and strength. It's good to see you. Sending peaceful thoughts..

[karla]

Sending you good thoughts.

[kaje]

Glad to hear from you. Sending you love and prayers from England.

[PJ]

You are an amazing woman Danae. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. Whatever your decision, I hope you keep writing about you. You are an interesting woman with a story to tell, experiences to share, and obviously a trapped artist that has been waiting to break out.

If you feel comfortable, I'd love to see some of your art. I am not creative at all, so it's something I like to observe from other people.

[Celeste]

It just seems so lame to say, "thank you for writing" but, I really AM thankful that you posted. Reading your blog has become one of my nicer "vices." I guess I am not surprised to learn you're an artist; just that the canvas isn't always a blog.

I'll just selfishly hope that the other canvas doesn't take you away permanently.

[Rori]

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best, too.

[Heather]

I totally understand. We gave up the ART route for child #2 last year after our second attempt at IVF (after numerous ovulation induction/IUI cycles and my 2nd laporoscopy).

We bought a puppy a month after we stopped. We've started down a road of TCM for the past few months(traditional Chinese medicine) not just to promote fertility, but I wanted my damn sex drive back. Things are going well, but I've learned to acccept that we'll most likely not have another child. It's a tough road. Hang in there.

[Molly]

Danae, reading this post just filled me with joy -- you sould like you are finally finding peace. A beautiful post.

I'm thinking of you.

[April]

Just thinking of you (both) and wishing you love, laughter and happiness. Your strength and spirit should be an inspiration to us all.

Peace be with you.

[MM]

So glad you're back.

[Claudia]

A beautiful post, Danae. I had been wondering how you guys were doing. You sound very courageous and I hope whatever the future holds for you, you are able to handle it with the grace, insight and humor that you've shown us all so far.

[fishtail]

I'm glad your friends and family are there loving you. Take care sweet lady.

[mamadaisy]

I'm so glad to hear your update. You sound like you are doing as well as can possibly be expected.

I also want to congratulate you on your decision. The endless ups and downs of IVF can be such a physical, emotional, and spiritual trauma -- at some point, I think you are right to save yourself from additional pain.

I wish you lots of joyful and peaceful painting!

[runnerwoman]

You are not giving up. You're making another choice; a choice to live your life and try to be happy. I'm glad you're doing as well as can be expected, and good luck with the moving forward.

[Angela]

I am so happy to hear an update on you. I was wondering how you were doing.

I think you made the right decision because it is the decision that feels right to you and your husband.

I wish only the best for you as you focus on your art and put ART in the past.

[cancerbaby]

Danae,

Thank you for your honesty and your kindness in sharing this journey with us. And thank you for your grace in reminding everyone that, baby or no, it has not come to an end, just shifted its focus towards acceptance, closure and, hopefully, peace. There is much good in that, and much love, too.

[wessel]

Danae, I know that you have made what must have been a very difficult decision, so I hesitate to burst in shouting, "but wait! have you tried . . . ?" However, I cannot help but reiterate what Megan suggested about the immune testing. Yes, it's a whole new roller coaster ride, and if you are leaving the carnival for good, then, that's your decision and I respect it.

About the chromosomal testing: in PGD, only 6 chromosome pairs are tested, which means that a "normal" embryo could, in fact, have many abnormalities in the other, untested, chromosome pairs. But with genetic testing of products of conception following a D&C, ALL the chromosomes are mapped out. If your embryo tested normal, then it means that she was normal--completely.

I understand what you mean about wanting to reclaim your life. I've been fantasizing about that myself. And lastly, don't snicker too loudly about the possibility of a spontaneous pregnancy--you wouldn't be the first woman to have a baby after years of infertility! :-)

Danae, if you want to know more about daily things you can do to perhaps improve your immunological picture (because I'm simply convinced this is the problem, but I'm just an amateur), please drop me a line. I've done a fair amount of research in this area. It might provide a compromise--you can still give up the fulltime pursuit of baby and reclaim your life, but at the same time increase your odds by making simple, easy-to-live with changes in your diet. (I promise I'm not selling anything and no snake oil is involved.)

I was checking your blog daily and am so glad that you wrote. Thinking of you--take care!

[Linda B]

I have only posted a few times but just wanted to wish you well whereever the next adventure takes you. I'm sorry you had to go through so much.

[yankee transplant]

Glad you're back, hope you're healing, and excited that you are taking up your art again. Kind thoughts coming your way.

[channah]

Glad you are back. Have missed your eloquent writing. I know everyone only wishes you the best for you and your husband.

[Kristi]

Depressing? Not at all. Sad, yes, but not depressing. On the contrary, in fact. You sounds very powerful now, despite your wounds. *Hugs*

[patricia]

It's good to hear from you, and I know where you are, because I am there too. I find it impossible to give up hope for a second, but can accept in my heart that there is a 99% that it won't happen.

Maybe I'll get over it someday, maybe I won't.

Best of luck to you.

[Lyss]

So glad to hear from you, and that you sound so peaceful.

Only you know what is the best next step, and I respect you for sharing with all of us.

[Manuela]

So good to hear your voice again... please accept my well-wishes for peace and joy as you embark on a new phase of this life's journey...

Much love to you...

[Brooklyn Girl]

So glad to hear from you. You've been in my thoughts.

[Debe]

Realizing I'll never be a mom has been a slow grieving process for me. I hope that you aren't ever overwhelmed by the sadness. You have more people that care about you than you'll ever know.

[Lisa]

I don't know you obviously, but I've been reading your blog and I've been thinking about you over the past few months- glad to hear you're doing ok.

Painting sounds great- as a writer who doesn't write nearly as much as she should, and the friend of many artists/photographers/actors/directors/etc I think only good things can come of creative expression. It will definitely make you feel good! Let us know how it goes!

[Karen]

Danae, I just wanted to mention something my doctor told me, which may or may not have any sort of bearing for you. He said that when the results of an embryo biopsy come back "normal female," it could be because the mother's tissue was tested, not that of the embryo. At my clinic, they consider a normal female result inconclusive. I don't know how widely held this theory is, but thought you might want to run it by your doctor if you have a follow-up consult at one point.

I am glad that you are back and feeling better. I completely understand everything that you are feeling and wish you all the best.

[Jill]

Just sighing, and praying for peace for you.

[Nancy France]

Ah. I had no idea there were so many of us "unexplained". I've been kinda.. alone. When I was single, not as many people asked why I had no children, or rather, they didn't ask why I wasn't HAVING children... but everytime I meet someone my age-ish (40's), eventually I'm asked "and how many children do you have?" Occasionally, I've gotten a bit snarky and have answered, "Ohh...must be a close to a thousand now. I'm a teacher."

But I get tired of explaining to sometimes........slow (I'm trying to be nice here) people that: No, I've no children, No I won't be having children, and No, I can't really consider adoption (my husbands health and now mine...).

I've even been accused of not wanting/liking children. Foolish assumption, as I know no teacher who doesn't like children! I've even been accused of being selfish and wanting my "luxury". Idiots.

It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[tracey]

That was simply an amazing post. I'm glad you are back.

It actually took my breath away, not because of your decision, but because of being forced to face it head on - when/what/where will my enough be ? Cause its looming. You are beautiful, Danae. Thanks.